Here’s why you don’t set healthy boundaries

Lizandra Leigertwood

Author and owner of New Frame Therapy

Looking out of a window

Healthy boundaries are important for our wellbeing and relationships as it teaches others how we expect to be treated. When we value our time, physical and personal boundaries, it shows that we value our self worth and people are more likely to respect our boundaries when we are able to make it clear what we will and will not accept. 

Our views on setting boundaries are often influenced by our childhood experiences and how we have seen boundaries or a lack of boundaries acted out around us. 

We can develop limiting beliefs that prevent us from knowing what healthy boundaries look like, or how we can start to implement them in our relationships. 

When we can identify what our limiting beliefs are around setting boundaries, it can be the key to getting to the root of our unconscious beliefs and work towards implementing real change. 

If you often feel uncomfortable around a certain person, or that you are often unheard or dismissed, then that can be a real indicator that there is an issue around your boundaries being pushed beyond your comfort levels. 

Often, these underlying beliefs are what prevents us from being able to speak up and let people know when they are asking too much of us, or have unrealistic expectations about what we are able to give. 

Some of these reasons are the common reasons that I hear that make it difficult to set boundaries in relationships. 

1 .You feel like you’re being mean

2. You struggle with being assertive

3. You don’t want to upset anybody

4. You believe setting boundaries will result in confrontation 

5. You don’t feel comfortable asking for what you need

7. People are used to you always saying yes

8. You think that saying yes is the easiest option

9. You fear the consequences of setting boundaries

10. You’re not really sure what your boundaries even are

Some of these reasons might hit home for you, or you might start to think about and view certain relationships in a very different way. 

It can be difficult to start setting boundaries with people when you are not used to doing so, but it does get easier with practice. 

I often find that the people who find it difficult to accept your boundaries, are usually the very people that you need to set boundaries with! 

The right people who are accepting of your boundaries, tend to appreciate and respect your needs and will understand if you are unable to help, or are okay with you saying no to something you don’t have the capacity to give. 

If you are new to boundaries or you don’t know where to start, you can begin by becoming more assertive in smaller situations where the stakes are not high within your safer relationships. 

Think about someone who is your safe person who would really encourage and support you making these active steps towards healthy boundaries, so that you can get used to finding your voice and actually being heard.

Don’t try it for the first time with your narcissistic boss who belittles you at any given moment, as it will discourage you from setting boundaries in the future. 

You can also download the free guide: 5 Steps to Healthy Boundaries, which is my 12 page guide, which talks you through the process in more detail.  

Setting a boundary doesn’t automatically mean that it’s a confrontational situation. 

It can feel confrontational if you have some unhealthy beliefs about being assertive or you’ve had some past experiences where it didn’t go so well. 


Need further support? 

Register your interest to join the 6 week online group coaching program. 

It’s a 6 week trauma informed course that will teach you the fundamental steps of how to set boundaries with confidence and ease so that you can stop feeling guilty and start having better relationships. 

Register your interest here. 

I’m Lizandra, an online psychotherapist and coach helping big hearted empaths to set boundaries so that they can set boundaries with ease and have thriving relationships.

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