Here’s why you don’t set healthy boundaries

online therapy and counselling in St Albans

Healthy boundaries are important for our wellbeing and relationships, it teaches others how we expect to be treated.

When we value our time, physical and personal boundaries, it shows that we value our self worth. People are more likely to respect our boundaries when we are able to make it clear what we will and will not accept.

LIMITING BELIEFS 

Our views on setting boundaries are often influenced by our childhood experiences and how we have seen boundaries, or a lack of boundaries, acted out around us.

We can develop limiting beliefs that prevent us from knowing what healthy boundaries look like, or how we can start to implement them in our relationships.

When we can identify what our limiting beliefs are around setting boundaries, it can be the key to getting to the root of our unconscious beliefs and work towards implementing real change.

If you often feel uncomfortable around a certain person, or that you are often unheard or dismissed, that can be a real indicator that there is an issue around your boundaries being violated.

Often, these underlying beliefs are what prevents us from being able to speak up and let people know when they are asking too much of us, or have unrealistic expectations about what we are able to give.

Some of these reasons are the common reasons that I hear that make it difficult to set boundaries in relationships.

1 .You feel like you’re being mean

2. You struggle with being assertive

3. You don’t want to upset anybody

4. You believe setting boundaries will result in confrontation

5. You don’t feel comfortable asking for what you need

7. People are used to you always saying yes

8. You think that saying yes is the easiest option

9. You fear the consequences of setting boundaries

10. You’re not really sure what your boundaries even are

Some of these reasons might resonate, if you are a people pleaser or often put others needs ahead of your own.

CHANGING YOUR PERSPECTIVE

While it can take some time to get used to setting boundaries, it’s not not impossible. It can take some practice finding your assertive voice and asking for what you need.

Often, the people who find it difficult to accept your boundaries, are usually the very people that you need to set boundaries with!

The right people who are accepting of your boundaries, tend to appreciate and respect your needs. They understand if you are unable to help, or are okay with you saying no to something you don’t have the capacity to give. Mostly, people who care about you want the best for you and are in support of you taking care of yourself.

When you start to shift your unhelpful beliefs about boundaries, you can really start to have thriving reciprocal relationships. Boundaries are not an exercise in keeping people at a distance, but it teaches people how to love you.

If you are new to boundaries or you don’t know where to start, you can begin by becoming more assertive in smaller situations where the stakes are not high within safer relationships.

Think about someone who is your safe person.  Someone who would really encourage and support you making these active steps towards healthy boundaries. An accountability buddy, if you will, who will gently remind you when you are over giving to the point of exhaustion. Or saying yes, when really you would rather say no.

Side note, don’t try it for the first time with your narcissistic parent or the boss who belittles you at any given moment, as it will discourage you from setting boundaries in the future.

The more you receive healthy responses, the more your confidence will grow with setting boundaries and ultimately, having better relationships.

Want to learn more? Download the free guide: 5 Steps to Healthy Boundaries.

Need further support?

Register your interest to join the 6 week online group program for women. 

It’s a 6 week trauma informed course that will teach you the fundamental steps of how to set boundaries with confidence and ease so that you can stop feeling guilty and start having better relationships. 

Register your interest here. 

I’m Lizandra, an online psychotherapist and coach helping big hearted empaths to set boundaries so that they can set boundaries with ease and have thriving relationships.

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